TLV: IC INBOX

[roci]

IC inbox for James Holden.

Comments

[ninefox]

Why.

[roci]

Cause then I'd say 'wow, Jedao, that's a really good reason, and I'll stop bothering you now, and also I'm so glad we were both adults about this conversation.'

[ninefox]

Jean is my friend. I don't want to see her in a professional context.

[He sounds tender, earnest. Vulnerable and so, so sincere.]

[roci]

Okay.

[ True to his word, this is fine with him. ]

...wait, are you gonna make me say my thing again?

[ninefox]

No.

[Coldly.]

[roci]

Yeah. Real glad we're able to be adults about this.

[ninefox]

Fuck you.

You can ask me not to shut you out or you can corner me into making exactly the noises you like, but you won't get many more chances to do both.

[roci]

This wasn't -- I'm trying, Jedao! How the fuck am I supposed to know when pushing you is wrong?

[ninefox]

You're not supposed to know!

[He snarls, then breathes. Swallows.]

If I'm starting to cut you out, it's probably because. Because I don't. Because -

[Because something doesn't feel safe.]

[roci]

Cause you're scared.

[ Is what he realizes, or leaps to -- really, no idea if he's right, but this looks like scared and it feels like scared, and, what the hell, if it's not bigger or smaller than a breadbox it must be a breadbox. ]

Look, I can only do my best. And most of the time, probably not even that.

[ninefox]

[He doesn't contradict or redirect the conclusion, which, in this particular moment, is all the confirmation he can manage.]

I have more to lose with Jean. But I can't do it with anyone. Not - dedicated. I can't, I'd just.

Like this, but a hundred times more.

[Panicked and stonewalling at best; blanked out and violent at worst.]

[roci]

At least they're trained to talk to people who are freaking out. And to help them not freak out.

[ninefox]

That's worse.

[He at least sounds exasperated, instead of cold.]

[roci]

Is not!

[ Glad we can be adults about this, indeed. ]

[ninefox]

Why don't we do a little thought experiment.

Try to pretend, for a moment, that despite a lifetime of paranoia, you have usually not been distrustful enough to save yourself from torture.

Now. Does someone who is specifically trained to get you to lower your guard when you least want to sound like someone you'd be comfortable with? Someone you'd like to be purposefully vulnerable around?

[roci]

It's not when you least want to, it's supposed to be something you pick because you know you need help. Nobody comes to doctors when they're healthy, it's when you've got a crushed leg and you're out of your mind with how much it hurts.

[ninefox]

People go to doctors when their damage makes them a liability.

Doctors are Vidona. Pain is just another tool to put people's minds where they belong.

[roci]

And the Barge hasn't given you enough experience of doctors with different motivations?

You realize that most worlds on the Barge have doctors take an oath that is "first, do no harm"?

[ninefox]

Most of them have not.

[The barge being largely staffed with volunteers who keep their off-duty options open.]

Enough?

[roci]

Just seems like there's a lot of medical things going down, all the time.

[ninefox]

[He makes a tight, pinched sort of impression.]

Let me try a different angle.

James. Do you believe I am insufficiently motivated to graduate?

[roci]

[ This actually gives Holden some pause. ]

Is the alternative going back, or just staying here?

[ninefox]

The alternative is that I fail my mission.