No, really! You've been very serious. And the only time I get up to really disbelieving anything, it's mostly like checking your pockets for all your stuff after you're around a friendly thief.
[ Holden had been joking, but he suddenly isn't -- the same way all anger tends to come on him, too sudden to stop. ]
Look, I wouldn't want to go either, okay? I admit it. Difference is, I know why, and it's cause I'm scared to look too close at the things I've done, and I'm defensive, and I'm scared of pausing to breathe, because the second I get back out there, I'm not going to have that breathing space anymore.
So, there, I admitted mine, now will you stop shutting down on me?
No, I'm not satisfied with that. That's a reflex, not a conclusion, and if you put ten seconds of thought into it, you'd realize: there's no service to put you back into, no one wants you back into service even if there was, and I'd never do that to you anyway.
So you didn't take ten seconds to think about it, or you did and you just thought that snapping and growling was the best way to make me back off, which, you didn't put ten seconds of thought into that either, did you?
Cause then I'd say 'wow, Jedao, that's a really good reason, and I'll stop bothering you now, and also I'm so glad we were both adults about this conversation.'
[ Is what he realizes, or leaps to -- really, no idea if he's right, but this looks like scared and it feels like scared, and, what the hell, if it's not bigger or smaller than a breadbox it must be a breadbox. ]
Look, I can only do my best. And most of the time, probably not even that.
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Which is why I said you should talk to a therapist and not an interrogator?
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[Too ridiculous to even be worth arguing, his tone clearly indicates.]
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[Quietly. Not smirking. But he doesn't like this fight and he's tired of it.]
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[ Holden had been joking, but he suddenly isn't -- the same way all anger tends to come on him, too sudden to stop. ]
Look, I wouldn't want to go either, okay? I admit it. Difference is, I know why, and it's cause I'm scared to look too close at the things I've done, and I'm defensive, and I'm scared of pausing to breathe, because the second I get back out there, I'm not going to have that breathing space anymore.
So, there, I admitted mine, now will you stop shutting down on me?
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What healing means, what it has always meant. In the very best case. Is being remade as thoroughly as necessary to be put back into service.
If she tries to work on me, I will claw my own eyes out to get away. Either she'll hold me down with her brain for my own good or she won't.
[Bitterly; he hates that he isn't sure.]
Either way, I don't think you'll get what you want.
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No, I'm not satisfied with that. That's a reflex, not a conclusion, and if you put ten seconds of thought into it, you'd realize: there's no service to put you back into, no one wants you back into service even if there was, and I'd never do that to you anyway.
So you didn't take ten seconds to think about it, or you did and you just thought that snapping and growling was the best way to make me back off, which, you didn't put ten seconds of thought into that either, did you?
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I know its a reflex. It's a reflex that will cost me a friend I don't want to lose.
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[ Holden conducts an extended facepalm, one that turns into a facerub. ]
Okay. Repeat after me.
"Jean is my friend and I don't want to see her in a professional context."
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[He sounds tender, earnest. Vulnerable and so, so sincere.]
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[ True to his word, this is fine with him. ]
...wait, are you gonna make me say my thing again?
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[Coldly.]
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You can ask me not to shut you out or you can corner me into making exactly the noises you like, but you won't get many more chances to do both.
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[He snarls, then breathes. Swallows.]
If I'm starting to cut you out, it's probably because. Because I don't. Because -
[Because something doesn't feel safe.]
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[ Is what he realizes, or leaps to -- really, no idea if he's right, but this looks like scared and it feels like scared, and, what the hell, if it's not bigger or smaller than a breadbox it must be a breadbox. ]
Look, I can only do my best. And most of the time, probably not even that.
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I have more to lose with Jean. But I can't do it with anyone. Not - dedicated. I can't, I'd just.
Like this, but a hundred times more.
[Panicked and stonewalling at best; blanked out and violent at worst.]
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