I'm not talking about that. I'm talking about the stuff that came before.
Look, I think we'll both agree that it's pretty stupid to just have me to talk to about it. Right? [ James Holden, the King of Reasonable and Appropriate Advice. ]
In order for you to say anything to Fives, someone would have to hold you upside down and just shake until words fall out. Horseriver -- and, incidentally, you bound your soul to Horseriver? The same guy who tried to get me to go on a boar hunt the first time we met?
Anyway, you're too in love with your misdirection and games to talk seriously even with most people you actually like. Jean's not here to reprogram you to follow some crazy calendar, she's not here to pound you into submission. And there'd be a little distance. Just think about it, okay?
[Quentin's tall enough, he thinks a little bit hysterically. Or magic could do it, levitation's got to be simple in the scheme of things. His voice comes out clipped and harsh.]
My best move was always telling the truth and smirking enough to let people think I was lying. Stop fucking falling for it.
No, really! You've been very serious. And the only time I get up to really disbelieving anything, it's mostly like checking your pockets for all your stuff after you're around a friendly thief.
[ Holden had been joking, but he suddenly isn't -- the same way all anger tends to come on him, too sudden to stop. ]
Look, I wouldn't want to go either, okay? I admit it. Difference is, I know why, and it's cause I'm scared to look too close at the things I've done, and I'm defensive, and I'm scared of pausing to breathe, because the second I get back out there, I'm not going to have that breathing space anymore.
So, there, I admitted mine, now will you stop shutting down on me?
No, I'm not satisfied with that. That's a reflex, not a conclusion, and if you put ten seconds of thought into it, you'd realize: there's no service to put you back into, no one wants you back into service even if there was, and I'd never do that to you anyway.
So you didn't take ten seconds to think about it, or you did and you just thought that snapping and growling was the best way to make me back off, which, you didn't put ten seconds of thought into that either, did you?
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I want you to go back to my file. And check whether it was amateurs they had interrogating me.
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Look, I think we'll both agree that it's pretty stupid to just have me to talk to about it. Right? [ James Holden, the King of Reasonable and Appropriate Advice. ]
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[Shuos baby talk, or something like it. Kel talk, maybe: this is relevant. But he moves on. Sort of.]
It?
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Anyway, you're too in love with your misdirection and games to talk seriously even with most people you actually like. Jean's not here to reprogram you to follow some crazy calendar, she's not here to pound you into submission. And there'd be a little distance. Just think about it, okay?
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My best move was always telling the truth and smirking enough to let people think I was lying. Stop fucking falling for it.
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[G O T C H A]
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Which is why I said you should talk to a therapist and not an interrogator?
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[Too ridiculous to even be worth arguing, his tone clearly indicates.]
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[Quietly. Not smirking. But he doesn't like this fight and he's tired of it.]
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[ Holden had been joking, but he suddenly isn't -- the same way all anger tends to come on him, too sudden to stop. ]
Look, I wouldn't want to go either, okay? I admit it. Difference is, I know why, and it's cause I'm scared to look too close at the things I've done, and I'm defensive, and I'm scared of pausing to breathe, because the second I get back out there, I'm not going to have that breathing space anymore.
So, there, I admitted mine, now will you stop shutting down on me?
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What healing means, what it has always meant. In the very best case. Is being remade as thoroughly as necessary to be put back into service.
If she tries to work on me, I will claw my own eyes out to get away. Either she'll hold me down with her brain for my own good or she won't.
[Bitterly; he hates that he isn't sure.]
Either way, I don't think you'll get what you want.
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No, I'm not satisfied with that. That's a reflex, not a conclusion, and if you put ten seconds of thought into it, you'd realize: there's no service to put you back into, no one wants you back into service even if there was, and I'd never do that to you anyway.
So you didn't take ten seconds to think about it, or you did and you just thought that snapping and growling was the best way to make me back off, which, you didn't put ten seconds of thought into that either, did you?
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I know its a reflex. It's a reflex that will cost me a friend I don't want to lose.
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[ Holden conducts an extended facepalm, one that turns into a facerub. ]
Okay. Repeat after me.
"Jean is my friend and I don't want to see her in a professional context."
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